The Muffin Man
by
Ryan Munevar
“And if you take that hat off I’ll
fucking fire you so Goddamn fast you’ll feel like a Mexican being chased back
across the border faster than fucking Carl Lewis, you hear me? Do you hear me
in there?” Some piece of shit in a white shirt and red tie was yelling at me.
“This
fucking thing smells like piss and shit,” I responded.
“That’s sweat from hard
work and don’t you fear it.”
“Fucking
vomit man, shit this thing smells like some one threw up in it.”
“That
hat alone costs $155 which goes right back to what I told you earlier, DO NOT
TAKE OFF THE FUCKING HAT!”
“It’s
not a hat man, it’s like a full on mask, wrapped around my head, this is
fucked,”
“That’s why I pay you the big bucks now get
your ass out there and hustle!”
He literally pushed me out
of the bakery, a giant muffin walking down Hollywood Blvd, into the river of
lost souls.
Fucking Hollywood.
A
beautiful girl in a light blue dress walked by licking a spoon coved with lemon
frozen Yogurt from the Frozen Yogurt store next door. The whole sobriety thing
was making all of this very hard to understand.
I felt my cock rub up against the suits plastic foam urethane whatever
the fuck and I said the only thing I could think of to her.
“Muffin
Man… Muffin Man Style Blueberry Muffins, Bakers Dozen for only $9.99…” Pause,
and I thought about it for a second before I asked her. “And what the fuck is a
bakers dozen?”
She
laughed and kept going.
“$9.99,”
I called out after her.
Another
girl came out holding a cup of Frozen Yogurt.
“What
the fuck is a bakers dozen?” I asked her.
She
did not laugh, but she did keep going.
“$9.99…”
The
next person that walked by I watched walk by. Fuck him…
This
was insanity. And I was only getting paid $25 an hour. But then the most
beautiful girl I ever saw walked by. Without mental control my legs began to
walk instep behind her. Her ass was decadent. Perfect shape, perfect bounce,
ohh sweet Jesus I just want to bite her ass.
She
stopped and turned looking right at me.
“What?”
she asked.
I
took off the mask.
“I’m
not really a muffin,” I said.
She
squinted at me.
“I
just wanted you to know that.”
“I
don’t know who you are?”
“I
know I just-“
“You
are really weird, leave me alone.”
“But-“
she cut me off by continuing to walk away.
I
put the mask back on and began walking slowly.
The thing about a 40 pound poly-urethra-whatever-suit is that it's 40
fucking pounds. That's as fucked as a
pregnant chick.
I passed a homeless man on
sitting against the side of a store front swaying back and forth. He was talking on a cell phone. He stopped for a second opening his mouth as
he looked at me.
"Hold
on," he said to the cell phone.
"Got any change man?" he asked me.
"No..." I noticed he had two bottles of unopened
vodka in a bag next to him. "But
I'll trade you this mask for one of those bottles."
"What?" he asked
with a glare.
I took the mask off. "I'll trade you this for one of those,
it's worth $155," I pointed to the bottles.
I handed the helmet mask to
him.
"What am I supposed to
do with this?"
"It's worth $20 at any
pawn shop."
"And?"
"It's yours."
"Fuck you."
"Give me $5."
"Fuck you, take your
shitty hat and get the fuck out of here you goddamned drunk," this coming from a Bum.
"$4."
"Up your ass," he
said tossing the helmet mask piece of shit on the ground.
"$3.50."
He
kicked the mask away from us with a boot mostly comprised of urine baked duct
tape wrapped around an old pair of Nike's.
Pointing his finger at
me. "And if you ever come back
around here I'll find you where you sleep, strap you down to your bed and burn
you the fuck alive," ...from a fucking bum.
With no response I walked
to where he kicked my mask, waddled down and picked it up.
I put the Muffin head back
on. The shame...
"You
didn't have to do that man," I said to him.
He
went back to his cell phone conversation.
Another beautiful girl walked by sucking on some kind of pink yogurt
smoothie thing.
"Fuck it," I took
the mask off and slammed it down onto his head, the eye holes facing the back,
his hand still holding the cellphone, stuck in the mask.
He
began screaming.
I
waddle leaned over as best I could in that beast suit and snatched the bag of
vodka bottles.
"I'll
fucking kill you! I'll fucking kill your
children," muffled screams.
Turned out to be 3 bottles
inside and after 8 hours of financially induced sobriety it was about time for
things to start looking up.
I
continued my stroll down the strip opening the first bottle and began downing
it as fast as I could. In about 2
minutes and half a block I had it finished.
Some Japanese tourists
began to follow me. Taking pictures. Fuck them...
With
the second bottle already half gone and the effects from the first beginning to
take hold I felt the power of sweet decadent magnificence flowing through
me. So I pulled my right hand into the
muffin suit opened the front flap and maneuvered my milk shake stick out and
began to take a man piss on the avenue of stars. I like to look at my penis while I do God's
work but the suits girth was preventing that visual treat. So I focused my eyes on the nearest
thing. Kirstie Alleys 5 pointed star on
the walk of fame...
"Kirstie
Alley... What a fucking beast," I
muttered as directed my stream over her star.
Looking
up I noticed the Japanese tourists had multiplied and there were about about 8
of them now. Asians have a tendency to do
this. A few other people were also
watching. "A beast!" I roared
at them.
After
the lord had been satiated I put myself back together down south and continued
my walk down the avenue of stars... I
hate this place.
My
crotch began to vibrate
CNN
was broadcasting some bullshit. “The Senate and House have officially passed
the New Human Rights Bill increasing the cost of a Turning License to $950
Million effective January 1st of Next Year.”
Fucking
vampires… Making it more and more
expensive to become one every day.
Sure,
they have a lottery to become one every year.
Cured
Homosexuality.
Cured
everything but being poor.
Fuck
them.
Pennywise
needs a new tank. I’m in.
Over
50% of the top CEO’s from the fortune 500 where vampires.
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